Unless you sell food. What’s with the rash of overly-sexual gross-out food campaigns? Paris and her burger fixation is old news. Subway did a viral video (with Playboy) called “2 Girls 1 Sub.” Burger King has an ad with a crimson-mouthed woman opening wide to eat their new 7″ sandwich, with the headline “It’ll Blow Your Mind Away.” Don’t forget the Quiznos oven that alludes to certain activities with its employees. And now, Hardees has their “Find My Hole” campaign to push their new “biscuit holes.”

I suppose, since eating is as necessary to life and prosperity as sex is, this is actually genius. Right? Push those male members of society to do their duty! And eat moar foodz! Are fast food companies targeting men only? You have to admit: these campaigns aren’t exactly pushing any female agendas (you thought I’d say ‘buttons,’ didn’t you.)

While we all have to eat, sexualizing food in such a male-centric way seems like an attractive stereotype for marketers. Aren’t they the breadwinners? Don’t they need the fat to hibernate? Similarly, women are reduced to bon-bon eating (see: Dove chocolate) yogurt-licking (see: Dannon / Yoplait) dieting (heyy Jenny!) über moms (see: Any Supermarket). Maybe that’s why we (almost) always see the overweight/buffoon husband with the fit, attractive wife on sitcoms.

To top it off, there’s this odd dynamic with gay & lesbian themes. Hardees wants you to find their hole, but everyone who tries the A-hole thinks it’s too small, or kind of nasty. We’re only so lucky they didn’t include a C-hole or above. So while finding a hole is important, some holes are just not right. Guffaw.

Then there’s the obvious porn stereotype of two hot girls getting it on (just for fun though, so you’re still in the picture) in the case of Subway. So if you eat a Subway sandwich, all the hot chicks in the room will totally fight/love you/each other for it. This doesn’t seem to qualify as a straight-up lesbian theme, since it’s clearly done as a fantasy.

Burger King’s ad is slightly more nuanced (if you can call it that.) While seeing an image of a woman welcoming a huge, throbbing seven-inch sandwich into her mouth can be titillating (for gluttons?) how would a heterosexual man feel once he orders the thing? Is he also thought to pleasure the sandwich? Or is he supposed to somehow translate that into a freaky masturbatory act? This part of the call-to-action seems pretty homo-friendly, if it weren’t for all that gal-on-dude hype to cover up any hidden intentions. This said, I doubt any hidden lesbian themes beyond the exhibitionist pornstar will crop up anytime soon. Because we all know lesbians don’t eat.

This is all not to say that eating food (or making food) isn’t sexy in itself. Humans first eat from their mothers’ breasts, so that’s not really a tough concept to grasp. Maybe we should all avoid fast food completely and start making steaming, savory risotto together at home. Where the heart/bed is.

I’m blaming you, the reader, for all the horrible double entendres in this post.